Must Read : Amazing When You Read it, You Love it !!

MUST Read - MALE / FEMALE Readers,  Amazing  Humour !!!! ( Really You Love it)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, JAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, JAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense :)

Newton's Laws of Ramance

Newton in romantic mood......


Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

First Law:
"a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "
------------------------------
Second Law:
"the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "
-------------------------------
Third Law:
" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

DICTIONARY DECODING - MAN & WOMAN

DICTIONARY DECODING - MAN & WOMAN

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...............49.
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............No breasts.
Average looking......Moooo.
Beautiful............Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.........On medication.
Feminist.............Fat.
Free spirit..........Junkie.
Friendship first.....Former slut.
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........No BJs.
Open-minded..........Desperate.
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........Bitch.
Voluptuous...........Very Fat.
Large frame..........Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.........Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, doesn't it look like I'm upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay

Man Discovered What ? What woman Discovered ??

Man Discovered What ? What woman Discovered ??

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT;
woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION;
woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD;
woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE;
woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY;
woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

MARRIAGE MATHS

MARRIAGE MATHS

Women who love sex + men who love sex = Loving home with Many children

Men who hate sex + Women who love sex = Broken home with Many Children


Men who love sex + Women who hate sex =Broken home with No Children


Men who hate sex + women who hate sex = Loving home with No children

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed

ONLY in AMERICA ! ! ! !

ONLY in AMERICA ! ! ! !

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille

Must Read : Amazing Replies By Herry to his Teacher (Principal Surprised)

Must Read : Amazing Replies By Herry to his Teacher (Principal Surprised with Awesome Reply By Herry)

A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third standard too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first standard and behave.


The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third standard should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third standard."

The teacher says to the principal, "Hold on, let me ask him some questions"
The principal and Harry both agree.


The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, "Legs."


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal starts sweating.
Harry "Pockets." Now no reactions or special face symbols dot Harry's face. He remains absolutely cool!


Teacher: What starts with a C & ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut


The principal's eyes open really wide, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog on three legs?
Harry: Shake hands


Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.
Harry (unfazed): Shoot.

Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: tent


Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal gets restless and a bit tensed.
Harry: wedding ring


Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: arrow
The principal breathing a sigh of relief shouted at the teacher,
"Put Harry in the 5th standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Awesome Humour - mathematics

Amazing Mathematics :)

Romance Math

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

NOW I THINK U WILL BECAME MASTER OF MATHEMATICS. GOOD LUCK.

Time Bound illness : Medical Certificate

Amazing Medical Certificate (Time Bound illness)

Certified that Mr. /Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from ‘time-bound’ illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as ” Come over weekend..”, ” Let’s work on holiday..”, ” Leave cannot be granted. .” etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/-

Dr. Cyba Impatient
Cyba Ki Cyber Clinic

What do u have ???? Tumhare Paas Kya Hai ???

What do u have ???? Tumhare Paas Kya Hai ???

A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.

He calls him.

Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles...

Senior Manager - what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet...

Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch

nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...

naam hai..........,

shohrat hai.........,

paisa hai............

Izzat Hai.............,

tumhare paas kya hai?

Scroll down to find out his answer

Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere

paas Maa hain"

Just Scroll some more..............

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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....


Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.......

Boss & Problem

Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"


2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"


3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"


4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"


5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"


6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"


7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"


8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"


9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."


10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"


11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"


12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"


13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"


14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."


15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"


16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Good Humour - Aishwarya Roy,Manmohan Singh, Asif Jardari, Sonia Gandhi in Tunnel !! Enjoy

Humour : Aishwarya Roy,Manmohan Singh, Asif Jardari, Sonia Gandhi in Tunnel

This joke has been making rounds for quite a few years now….names of the celebrities keep changing though…Gud one… Enjoy...!!



Politics In Tunnel

Manmohan Singh, Asif Zardari, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia Gandhi were traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Sonia and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Zardari is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.


Sonia is thinking: "This guy (Zardari) is all crazy after Aishwarya. Zardari must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him".

Aishwarya is thinking: "Zardari must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Sonia instead and got slapped." Zardari is thinking: "Damn it! Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she thought it was me and slapped me."


Manmohan Singh is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Zardari again."

Singh is King! Singh is King!! Singh is King!!!

Difference between James Bond and Bond

Joke/Fun on James Bond

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.



Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"


James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond."


Then Bond asks: "And you?"

Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...


Siva Rao...


Samba Siva Rao...


Venkata Samba Siva Rao...


Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...


Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...


Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...


Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."


Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"



Beautiful Girl, Restaurant, Kiss in C Program : Amazing Humour

Amazing Humour : C Prgramming to propose a Beautiful Girl

C Program to Propose a girl*/



#include


#include


#define Cute beautiful_lady






main()


{


goto college;


scanf("100%",&a mp;ladies);






if(lady ==Cute)


line++;


while( !reply )


{






printf("I Love U");






scanf("100%",&a mp;reply);






}






if(reply == "GAALI")


main(); /* go back and repeat the process */






else if(reply == "SANDAL ")


exit(1);














else if(reply == "I Love U")


{


lover =Cute ;


love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lov er));


}


goto restaurant;


restaurant:{


food++;


smile++;


pay->money = lover->money;


return(college);


}


if(time==2.30)


goto cinema;


cinema:


{


watch++;


if(intermission){


coke++;


Popecorn++;}


}


if(time ==6.00)


goto park;


park:


{


for(time=6.30;time<= 8.30;time+=0.001)


kiss = kiss+1;


}


free(lover);


return(home);






}

संता बंता प्रीतो करोड़पति चाचा

संता (बंता से)- यार बंता मेरी मंगनी टूटने वाली है।
प्रीतो ने मेरे साथ विवाह करने से इंकार कर दिया।

बंता (संता से)- क्या तुमने अपने करोड़पति चाचा के बारे में नहीं बताया?

संता- बताया तो था.. अब वह मेरी चाची है।

अमिताभ बच्चन को ड्राईवर रखा है (Amitabh Bachhan - Humour/Joke)

अमिताभ बच्चन को ड्राईवर रखा है

यह बात उस समय की है जब अमिताभ बच्चन लम्बी बीमारी के बाद ठीक हुए थे …..एक दिन सुबह अपने ड्राईवर विजय से बोले “अरे भाई आज गाड़ी हम चलाएंगे ..”.
ड्राईवर , “पर साब आपकी तबियत ?..”
अमिताभ “अरी मेरी तबियत ठीक हो गई है विजय , अब मैं फिट हूँ …क्या डिस्को करके दिखाऊ….
और उसके बाद कार ले कर निकल गए ! कार वो बहुत तेज चला रहे थे ….
पहला रेड सिग्नल तोडे ………..दूसरा रेड सिग्नल तोडे ………..तीसरा रेड सिग्नल तोडे ………..
…
…
…
तब १ ट्राफिक हवलदार कार को रोका ,बोला कार को सड़क के किनारे रोको और “चलो साहब लाइसेंस दिखाओ PUC, गाड़ी के कागजात …बाहर निकालो ”
और अमिताभ को देखा “अरे अमिताभ बच्चन ?!!!” वह उन्हें देखकर बहुत आश्चर्य चकित हुआ ….
…..
तब उसने तुरंत वायरलेस पर अपने सीनियर को बोला ….
“सर आप जल्दी यह आये नाके पर …”
सर : “क्यों क्या हुआ ??”
हवालदार : “सर एक गाड़ी ने सिग्नल तोडा है और मैंने उस गाड़ी को किनारे रोक रखा है ”
सर : “तो फिर ?”
हवालदार : “सर , उस गाड़ी का मालिक बहुत बड़ा आदमी है सर …. मैं उसका चालान नही फाड़ सकता आप ख़ुद यह आइये ..”
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
सर “कौन मालिक है उस गाड़ी का ??”
हवालदार : “वो तो पता नही सर पर उसने न सर …
लेकिन अमिताभ बच्चन को ड्राईवर रखा है ….”. … !!!!!!